Tis the season, and seeing as the world did not end as the Mayans might have predicted, we need to look ahead to the new year. With Santa's help, perhaps this year will shine a little brighter.
Its been awhile, I know. I have found it difficult to write ever since the Easy Bake Oven incident of 1979, however, I have finally let that go. From what I have gathered through the years, you saved me and my family from many a cake with the consistency of a hockey puck. However, I have to say at times I do feel a little unfulfilled, having never had the "cooking by lightbulb" childhood experience. But despite all of that, I am quite a good baker, as you know because of the milk and cookies I have left you over the years. And we will come back to that later.
I write today with a very specific want...desire...need! Santa, I WANT AN AGENT! I want a literary agent real bad.
There I said it.
To think that I could have that one person who believes in my work as much as I do and who has the professional clout and know-how to launch my career is wonderful!
To be able to say to other social invitations, "No sorry. I am not available Tuesday. I have a lunch meeting with my agent," would be grand!
To be "represented" to the Publishing BIG HOUSES in NYC...priceless. Well, not "priceless"...it'll cost me 15% of any earnings...but STILL! To even imagine having earnings from my writing is unfathomable!
I know what you are going to say. I know you are not in the business of giving people as Christmas gifts. I remember that letter I wrote when I was 10, requesting Rick Springfield to be my boyfriend. You answered that you had found that people did not take kindly to being shoved in your sack and flown around the world only to be delivered under a tree on Christmas, so you gave up the practice. Therefore, I had to be content with a Rick Springfield poster...hardly a substitute.
I know as much as I promise to take good care of my agent and treat my agent well, you are NOT going to shove one down my chimney. That's why I came up with Plan B.
When you arrive at my home on Christmas Eve, instead of the customary milk and cookies, you are going to notice three things: my computer with a window already open to a blank document in Microsoft Word, my printer all ready to go with plenty of paper, and a dictionary (agents do not like to see misspellings or misused words).
I am asking you, dear Santa Claus, to write a Query Letter for me! Who better than someone who supposedly spies on me all year round? You know all about me. You know what I've been writing. So pitch it!
They say to think of it as an elevator speech...or maybe in your case, a chimney speech. For example, if you suddenly ran into Steven Spielberg on someone's roof and had a script you wanted to sell to him, what would you say to Mr. Spielberg on the trip down the chimney? Get it?
Anyway, I will also include a list of guidelines. And Santa, please make sure you follow the appropriate guidelines so that your letter can be seriously considered. If I am interested in using your letter, I will certainly follow up by sending the appropriate milk and cookies. However, if you haven't heard from me within 6 to 8 weeks, please assume that I am passing on your letter and will be seeking help elsewhere.
Thank you in advance for your help. Oh...and Merry Christmas! Let's hope this is the beautiful beginning of the renewal of our friendship.